Which Way Should I Go?

 

Which way should I go ?
 
To the left side, where nothing is right ?
 
Or to the right, where nothing is left ?  

The Pottiness of the Past Tense

Richard Lederer, in his book, Crazy English, wrote a pithy if not pleasurable poem about the insanity associated with the past tense of verbs in the English Language.

The verbs in English are a fright.
How can we learn to read and write?
Today we speak, but first we spoke;
Some faucets leak, but never loke.
Today we write, but first we wrote;
We bite our tongues, but never bote.

Each day I teach, for years I taught,
And preachers preach, but never praught.
This tale I tell; this tale I told;
I smell the flowers, but never smold.

If knights still slay, as once they slew
Then do we play, as once we plew?
If I still do as once I did,
The do cows moo, as they once mid?

I love to win, and games I've won;
I seldom sin;, and never son.
I had to lose, and games I lost;
I didn't choose, and never chost.

I love to sing, and sons I sang;
I fling a ball, but nevre flang.
I strike that ball, that ball I struck;
This poem I like, but never luck.

I take a break, a break I took;
I bake a cake, but never book.
I eat that cake, that cake I ate,
I beat an egg, but never bate.

I often swim, as I once swam;
I skim some milk, but never skam.
I fly a kite that I once flew;
I tie a knot, but never tew.

I see the truth, the truth I saw.
I feel from falsehood, never flaw.
I stand for truth, as I once stood;
I land a fish, but never lood.

About these verbs I sit and think.
These verbs don't fit. They seem to wink
At me, who sat for years and thought
Of verbs that never fat or wought.

English Language

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Elmo's Test Tickles

 

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Loretta is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo dolls all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Loretta surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo dolls. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Loretta.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.

Shopping in London

Shopping in London

went to Boots; they don't sell boots...
went to Selfridges; they don't sell fridges...
went to Curry's; they don't sell curry...
went to the Apple store; they don't sell apples...
even at Blackberry they don't sell any kinda berries...
as for Virgin Megastore, what a huge disappointment!!!

I have not yet dared to go into this place but I wonder what they have to offer...

Hilariously English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

In which your house can burn up as it burns down,

In which you fill in a form by filling it out,

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

-Author Unknown-

 

 

A Hardware Store Story

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set... 

When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set? 

 

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is £500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."
 
This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store!

The Importance of Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. 

Golf Club Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at

a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. 

                    

          WELL DONE…..
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL. GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

 

 

Music To My Ears

 

 

 

Answers To Test Questions Compiled By Music Teachers From The Missouri School Music Newsletter:

• Refrain means don't do it.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.
• Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
• An opera is a song of bigly size.
• When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
• My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
• My favorite composer is Opus.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• A tuba is much larger than its name.
• A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
• When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
• A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
• Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
• Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
• The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
• For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
• Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
• The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
• Musical instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. 

Where I have and have not been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I have also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Funny Dictionary...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.
 
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: 
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines. :)

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older
than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

 

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel.

 

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. 

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked  some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 
Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son  named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.

 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel
Lights out of   Egypt  and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. 
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.

 God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. 
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.

 

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought
the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.

 

After Joshua came David..  He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise,  but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.

 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league

prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed
by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.

 

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. 
Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in   Bethlehem   
in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because
my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

 

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up
for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

 

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to

life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at

the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in

the book of Revolution.

 

 

English is a difficult language....for some!

For those who appreciate the English Language...

You think English is easy???

Read to the end...a new twist.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lockUP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so...it is time to shut UP !

Fish and Chips

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"