Fish and Chips

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

The Importance of Punctuation

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. 

When the timecame for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was 

calling on them one at a time. 

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes 

could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. 

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report 

on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. 

"It's a period." reported Johnnie. 

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" 

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she 

missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the 

man next door shot himself."

Punnies

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But, why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Ahmal." The other went to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. To which her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

English Language - It Has To Be Different!

Difference Between "complete" and "finished"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the
difference between the two words 

COMPLETE and FINISHED, 

in a way  that's
easy to understand. 

Some people say there is no difference between 

COMPLETE and FINISHED.

I beg to differ because there is. 

When you marry the right
woman, you are 

"COMPLETE".  

And when you marry the wrong one, 

you are 

"FINISHED"!  

And when the right one catches you 

with the wrong one  you are

"COMPLETELY  FINISHED"!

The Most Functional English Word

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD 

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! 
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. 


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. 


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.. 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. 
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. 


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. 

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... 

Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

English as it evolves...

[1] FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks).

[2] POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened.

[3] MOPED is the short term for 'Motorized Pedaling'.

[4] BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody.

[5] DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people withdrew after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped..

[6] NEWS refers to information from Four directions
N, E, W, and S.

 [7] QUEUE comes from 'Queen's Quest'. Long back a long row of people as waiting to see the Queen. Someone made the comment Queen's Quest..

[8] JOURNAL is a diary that tells about 'Journey for a day' during each Day's business.

[9] TIPS come from 'To Insure Prompt Service'. In olden days to get Prompt service from servants in an inn, travelers used to drop coins in a Box on which was written 'To Insure Prompt Service'. This gave rise to the custom of Tips.

[10] JEEP is a vehicle with unique Gear system. It was invented during World War II (1939-1945). It was named 'General Purpose Vehicle (GP)'. GP was changed into JEEP later.

[11] The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

[12] If you SNEEZE too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. So good to bless the sneezing person.

Old Chinese Proverbs

Old Chinese Proverbs

---

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.

Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.

Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.

Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Palindromes

A PALINDROME is a word or sentence that reads the same backwards and forwards

---

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota!

A Toyota's a Toyota.

A dog - a panic in a pagoda!

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha.

Anna: "Did Otto peep?" Otto: "Did Anna?"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Cain: a maniac!

Campus motto: bottoms up, Mac.

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Cleveland: DNA Level C.

Dennis sinned.

Dennis and Edna sinned.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Dennis, no Misfit can act if Simon sinned.

Devil Natasha, ah, Satan lived!

Diana Bruno, on urban aid.

Did Eve salt an atlas? Eve did.

Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did.

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Do geese see God?

Do nine men interpret? - Nine men? I nod.

Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!

Draw, o coward!

Draw pupil's lip upward.

Drowsy baby's word.

E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Egad! No bondage!

Emil, a sleepy baby peels a lime.

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Evil olive.

Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

God saw I was dog.

God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!

Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He lived as a devil, eh?

I maim nine men in Miami.

Is it I? It is I!

I, Nora, came most egotistic - it's I - to get some macaroni.

I, man, am regal; a German am I.

If I had a hi-fi.

Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!

Kayak salad - Alaska yak.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Laminated E.T. animal.

Late? Bill is ill, I bet, Al.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil.

Lonely Tylenol.

Ma has a ham.

Ma is a nun, as I am.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Madam I'm Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Naomi, did I moan?

Natasha? Ah, Satan!

Neil A. sees alien!

Never odd or even.

No lemons, no melon.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

No, Mel, a sleepy baby peels a lemon.

No trace - not one carton.

Not New York, Roy went on.

Nurse! I spy gypsies! Run!

Oh, no! Don Ho!

Party booby-trap.

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Rats live on no evil star.

Reno loner

Revenge, Meg? Never!

Rise to vote, sir.

Sir, I'm Iris.

Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is".

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

Slap a ham on Omaha, pals!

Sniff'um muffins.

So many dynamos.

So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.

So...Mariah Carey, a LP, a player...a chair, Amos!

Some men interpret nine memos.

Spit Q-tips!

Star comedy by Democrats.

Stella won no wallets.

Step on no pets!

To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!

Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!

Tons of UFOs? Not!

Tonya may not.

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Tulsa night life: filth, gin, a slut.

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Was it a rat I saw?

Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Yo, banana boy!

Yreka Bakery

Puns

 

 

 

Very punny!

---

Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it".

An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned.

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young."

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition.

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
 
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." 

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
 
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......
 
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Beware of Safety

Making a Baby

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

 

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

Lexophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Painting the church

Repent, repent...and sin no more!

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey McGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, “Oh God, oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice said, “Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!”

Word Awards

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

Here are the winners:

1.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2.Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4.Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6.Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8.Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9.Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido : All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

Andthe winners are:

1.Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2.Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6.Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8.Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been runover by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline..

11.Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Give Up drinking

I had to stop drinking. I had 18 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife Lara to empty the contents of each and every one of them down the sink, or else.

I said that I would and I proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the bottle down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and then threw the rest down the glass which I drank.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

I then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the four.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, opened the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally I had the house in one bottle which I drank.

I am not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am, I am not half as thank as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is more drunker I stand here the longer I get '. OH MY HEADY BLOOD.

From Church Bulletin Boards

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The Peacemaking Meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Tongue Twister

About Bras

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
And a jock strap is a lower Decker pecker checker,
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.