Where I have and have not been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I have also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Funny Dictionary...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.
 
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: 
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines. :)

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older
than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

 

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel.

 

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. 

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked  some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 
Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son  named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.

 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel
Lights out of   Egypt  and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. 
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.

 God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. 
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.

 

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought
the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.

 

After Joshua came David..  He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise,  but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.

 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league

prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed
by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.

 

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. 
Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in   Bethlehem   
in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because
my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

 

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up
for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

 

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to

life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at

the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in

the book of Revolution.

 

 

English is a difficult language....for some!

For those who appreciate the English Language...

You think English is easy???

Read to the end...a new twist.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lockUP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so...it is time to shut UP !