Which Way Should I Go?

 

Which way should I go ?
 
To the left side, where nothing is right ?
 
Or to the right, where nothing is left ?  

The Pottiness of the Past Tense

Richard Lederer, in his book, Crazy English, wrote a pithy if not pleasurable poem about the insanity associated with the past tense of verbs in the English Language.

The verbs in English are a fright.
How can we learn to read and write?
Today we speak, but first we spoke;
Some faucets leak, but never loke.
Today we write, but first we wrote;
We bite our tongues, but never bote.

Each day I teach, for years I taught,
And preachers preach, but never praught.
This tale I tell; this tale I told;
I smell the flowers, but never smold.

If knights still slay, as once they slew
Then do we play, as once we plew?
If I still do as once I did,
The do cows moo, as they once mid?

I love to win, and games I've won;
I seldom sin;, and never son.
I had to lose, and games I lost;
I didn't choose, and never chost.

I love to sing, and sons I sang;
I fling a ball, but nevre flang.
I strike that ball, that ball I struck;
This poem I like, but never luck.

I take a break, a break I took;
I bake a cake, but never book.
I eat that cake, that cake I ate,
I beat an egg, but never bate.

I often swim, as I once swam;
I skim some milk, but never skam.
I fly a kite that I once flew;
I tie a knot, but never tew.

I see the truth, the truth I saw.
I feel from falsehood, never flaw.
I stand for truth, as I once stood;
I land a fish, but never lood.

About these verbs I sit and think.
These verbs don't fit. They seem to wink
At me, who sat for years and thought
Of verbs that never fat or wought.

English Language

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Elmo's Test Tickles

 

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Loretta is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo dolls all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Loretta surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo dolls. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Loretta.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.

Shopping in London

Shopping in London

went to Boots; they don't sell boots...
went to Selfridges; they don't sell fridges...
went to Curry's; they don't sell curry...
went to the Apple store; they don't sell apples...
even at Blackberry they don't sell any kinda berries...
as for Virgin Megastore, what a huge disappointment!!!

I have not yet dared to go into this place but I wonder what they have to offer...

Hilariously English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

In which your house can burn up as it burns down,

In which you fill in a form by filling it out,

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

-Author Unknown-

 

 

A Hardware Store Story

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set... 

When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set? 

 

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is £500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."
 
This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store!

The Importance of Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. 

Golf Club Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at

a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. 

                    

          WELL DONE…..
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL. GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

 

 

Music To My Ears

 

 

 

Answers To Test Questions Compiled By Music Teachers From The Missouri School Music Newsletter:

• Refrain means don't do it.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.
• Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
• An opera is a song of bigly size.
• When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
• My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
• My favorite composer is Opus.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• A tuba is much larger than its name.
• A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
• When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
• A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
• Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
• Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
• The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
• For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
• Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
• The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
• Musical instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.