Father Murphy's Donkey

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God's will and entered the donkey in the race anyway.  The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS!" Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race.  The donkey came in first and the papers said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS UP FRONT!" He entered the animal in yet another race.  This time it came in second and the papers read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE!". The archbishop heard of the priest's activities and decided the church didn't approve of gambling.

He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS!" The Father gaves the donkey to one of the nuns, Sister Agatha and the papers said, "NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN!" But eventually Sister Agatha got tired of tending the donkey, and sold it to a children's home for only ten dollars.  And the newspapers blared, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10!"

Happy thoughts

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have Texas plates on their car....

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Very Funny Proverbs

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I can resist everything except temptation.

It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference.

The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

There are three faithful friends an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

A Letter to the Bank

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me.
2 To query a missing payment.
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact)
8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

The Stock Report

Helium was up. Feathers were down. 

Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. 

Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. 

Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. 

Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. 

Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. 

Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to
recharge the market.

 

Devon & Cornwall Police Force

This is (allegedly) a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. Lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

Proverbs and Jokes

 

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.


[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two or more makes you are a referee.


[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!


[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.


[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.


[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.


[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.


[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.


[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.


[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.


[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.


[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.


[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.


[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.


[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.


[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.


[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.


[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.


[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.


[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something


[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!


[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.


[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.


[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.


[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.......!!!

 

 

Rules of this Tavern

Owed Two a Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer; 

It came with my pea sea; 

It plainly marques four my revue 

Miss steaks eye ken knot sea. 

Eye strike a key and type a word 

And weight four it two say 

Weather eye am wrong oar write— 

It shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid 

It nose bee four two long, 

And eye can put the era rite 

Its rare lea ever wrong. 

Now, eye halve run this poem threw; 

I'm shore your pleased two no 

Its letter perfect awl the weigh, 

My chequer tolled me sew.

Some interesting questions...

 

 

Some interesting questions...

which do not matter whether we know the answers...

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?

A Wife's Diary vs. A Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so afterwards
I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what
to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life
is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Manchester United lost 3 -2 to Crystal Palace. How could this happen!?!!

Stoned Sea Birds

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group."

Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."

The Foolish Fugitive

The Foolish Fugitive

(Luke 15:11–32, TAT*)

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, a feather-brained fellow finagled his father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly-filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself flinging feed in a filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed. 

Frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I frankly face my foolish, fruitless folly. I have flunked, and forfeit further family favors..." But the fond father, forestalling further flinching, forthwith forced his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. 

But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully and freely farming his father's fields, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderol. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! Let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely. Former folly and failures are forsaken, forgiven and forgotten."

Brief Humour

Before you criticize a man, first walk a mile in his shoes. Then, after you've criticized him, you'll be a 
mile away from him, and you'll have his shoes too!

Whether English or French will be the international language is no longer a question; it’s a fait accompli.

There are two rules for success: (1) Don’t tell everything that you know.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

I bought a book titled "How to Hug" at a garage sale. When I got home, I found that it was volume 11 of the 
World Book Encyclopedia.

Anne Wolfe reserved a hotel room by phone.  When she arrived, she found that the reservation had 
been made for "Ann Withany and Wolf Withany."

It's ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I wonder how much higher the ocean would be without sponges.

There are basically three kinds of people in the world: those that can count to three, and those that can't.

When you were a block away, I thought you were your brother,

but as you got closer, I could see that is was you.

But now that you stand here beside me, I see that you are your brother!

"Everyone that believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."

Life without geometry would be pointless.

Robert Wilson, the "human cannonball" for the Barnum and Bailey circus, quit yesterday after 
sustaining his second injury in three weeks. "We have no immediate replacement for Bob," said 
a spokesman for the circus. "We're not sure we can find a man of his caliber."

"I got a great new hearing aid."
"Really? What kind is it?"
"Um... about 7:30."

Customer:  I'll have coffee with sugar, no cream.
Waitress:    I'm sorry sir.  We're out of cream.
Customer:  Do you have milk?
Waitress:    Yes.
Customer:  Then I'll have it without milk.

    I was golfing with Dan Frisk, a friend that happens to be a lawyer, and I asked him about a bill I had 
received.  I said, "I was having dinner with Hal Richards the other night and asked him about a lump on 
my head.  He felt it and said it was just a cyst—nothing to worry about.  Three days later I got a bill for 
$200 from him for a medical diagnosis.  Can he get away with that?" 
    "He sure can," said Dan. "He's a doctor, and he can charge for his expert opinion.  It's his living, and 
he can't start doing his practice for free."    
    Three days later I got a bill for $300 from Dan for legal advice.

Ambiguous News Items

"The only spectators were a woman carrying a small child and a large policeman."   

"As the airship prepared to leave, the last passenger to board was Miss Hemming.  Slowly her huge nose turned into the wind.  Then, like some enormous beast, she crawled over the field and rose."

"Stud Tires Out"

"Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan"

"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"

"Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped"

"Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers"

"New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead"

"Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim"

"Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted"

"Prostitutes appeal to Pope"

"Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over"

"British left waffles on Falkland Islands"

"Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden"

"Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder"

"Hospital Sued by Seven Foot Doctors"

"Pupils Suspended over Fires"

HiJack

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

The two Air Marshals were about to jump on the guy and overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane:

"HI JOHN!"

The moral of the story is:

If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever greet him on the plane.

An Indian Cow

A Dictionary of Truisms

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.. 

Bank
A place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bus
A vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Career
A job where you just wanted pay checks.

Change
Something inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read. 

Clear conscience
Usually a sign of bad memory.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 

Criminal
A person no different from the rest … except that he/she got caught. 

Cuddling
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat 
Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Doctor
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. 

Dolphin
A kind of fish so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 

Evening news
Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes. 

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Forgiveness 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Grow up
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Happiness
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Hospitality
Art of making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Indecisive
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Learn
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" 

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. 

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Money
Can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nostalgia
A state of mind when something isn't what it used to be.

Nurse:
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills. 

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Pessimist
Always borrow money from one. He won't expect it back.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

Plagiarism
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after 

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 

School
A place where parents pay and children play.

Target 
To be sure of hitting one, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. 

War
A battle which does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Work station
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

The Extended Wisdom of Confucius

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:-

1.     to plant your idea in someone's head

2.     to plant someone's money in your own pocket.


o       He who succeeds in planting his idea in someone's head - we call Lao Shi (teacher)

o       He who succeeds planting someone's money in his own pocket - we call Lao Ban (boss)

o       The one who succeeds in both - we call Lao Por (wife) or Lao Qian (trickster)

o       The one who fails in both - we call Lao Gong (husband)

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the Idiosyncrasies of English:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them? 

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road   signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have “s” in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?  

33.  If you spin an Oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?