Stoned Sea Birds

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group."

Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."