An Amazing Sentence in English

Puns for the Well-Read

 

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years

 

of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of

 

the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

 

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

 

"Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,

 

makes no difference who you are."

 

 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid

 

bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed

 

in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

 

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,

 

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

 

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

 

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine

 

man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin

 

strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,

 

and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the

 

medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief

 

shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

 

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and

 

found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted

 

on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely

 

saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

 

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept

 

on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three

 

became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who

 

slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove

 

that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws

 

of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

 

 

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies

 

with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a

 

particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the

 

anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye

 

and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

 

 

Some Illustrious Insults

When dashing off a quick note or verbal reply to a prospective employer about a former delightful dimwit, dapper dolt, or dazzling dingbat with whom one had a modest acquaintance, it's best to find a wonderfully witty way to describe this intriguingly idiotic individual.

"A well balanced person with a chip on both shoulders."

"He had a healthy attitude to life; he worshipped the Tooth Fairy, flossed daily, and gargled from the fountain of knowledge whenever the spirit moved him."

"I've always found him to be an economical fellow; If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."

"If he were any more environmentally-friendlly, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"His last performance review indicated that he was in possession of two cerebellums: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"In terms of the gene pool, I'd say he's a prime candidate for natural deselection."

"He's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, she's the other one."

"Future growth potential...well, I would say that when his IQ reaches 50 he should sell."

"She can be counted on to bring a lot of joy whenever she leaves the room."

"Suffice to say that his experience with the black abyss and void of nothingness in the universe of all things great and small reveal his remarkable knack for making strangers immediately."

"His interpersonal communication style...well, besides making mountains out of molehills, he excels in arguing with signposts."

"His colleagues would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"Does he swim with the sharks? Truthfully, I would have to say that he might be out of his depth in a puddle."

"This person has delusions of bountiful adequacy."

"If I had to sum it up, I would say that he's not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe' if you catch my drift."

Crazy Plurals

Now if mouse in the plural should be, and is, mice,
Then house in the plural, of course, should be hice,
And grouse should be grice and spouse should be spice
And by the same token should blouse become blice.

And consider the goose with its plural of geese;
Then a double caboose should be called a cabeese,
And noose should be neese and moose should be meese
And if mama's papoose should be twins, it's papeese.

Then if one thing is that, while some more is called those,
Then more than one hat, I assume, would be hose,
And gnat would be gnose and pat would be pose,
And likewise the plural of rat would be rose.

Scrabble and Eggs

 

Let's play scrabble eggs... :D

Diplomatically Speaking...

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison? What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"

"Hard penis! just hard penis!" replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

 
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

 

 

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A "Quickie" That's Not

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table

and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."