Puns for the Well-Read

 

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years

 

of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of

 

the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

 

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

 

"Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,

 

makes no difference who you are."

 

 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid

 

bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed

 

in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

 

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,

 

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

 

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

 

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine

 

man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin

 

strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,

 

and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the

 

medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief

 

shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

 

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and

 

found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted

 

on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely

 

saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

 

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept

 

on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three

 

became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who

 

slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove

 

that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws

 

of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

 

 

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies

 

with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a

 

particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the

 

anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye

 

and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."