Amazing Words and Meanings

Conference - The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise - The art of dividing a cake in such away that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary - A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room - A place where everybody talks,nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Etc - A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.

Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Opportunist - A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist - A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Criminal - A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Monastery Life

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and
laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
Been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he
Is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

CELEB - R - ATE!!!" 

Larry's Proverbs

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11.. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14.. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the
heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.. It's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. 

 

 

The History of SHIT

Manure:  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the  invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

 It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than  when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas, of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.  
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening  

After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off  the lower decks so that any water that came into the  hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of methane.


Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has  come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.  

Father Murphy's Donkey

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God's will and entered the donkey in the race anyway.  The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS!" Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race.  The donkey came in first and the papers said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS UP FRONT!" He entered the animal in yet another race.  This time it came in second and the papers read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE!". The archbishop heard of the priest's activities and decided the church didn't approve of gambling.

He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS!" The Father gaves the donkey to one of the nuns, Sister Agatha and the papers said, "NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN!" But eventually Sister Agatha got tired of tending the donkey, and sold it to a children's home for only ten dollars.  And the newspapers blared, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10!"

Happy thoughts

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have Texas plates on their car....

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.